If I could be any other animal, I’d want to be a fish

I know a fish isn’t like a dog that becomes a family’s best friend

I know a fish isn’t like a bird that soars effortlessly through the earth’s blue dome

I know a fish isn’t like a peacock that fans its feathers into a kaleidoscope of sapphire eyes that leave others ‘cocking’ their heads to admire its fascinating beauty 

I know a fish isn’t like a lion with its magnificent mane that roars for the entire animal kingdom to hear of its reign 

 

I know a fish isn’t the most desired animal to be

But you see, 

I want to be a fish because like fish that live in the sea,

I’m also living in a sea

No, not a big body of water that was created eons ago

Rather, this sea lives inside of me

The first drop of my sea violently splashed into me on March 23, 2019.

 

Little did I know when I picked up the phone at 7:40 AM on that Saturday morning

That soon I’d be mourning

Sarah, my sister was struck by a truck

Brain dead is what the nurse said

 

After suddenly losing Sarah, 

Grief became a tempest for me

It pounded inside me like waves crashing upon the coast

It threw me overboard, leaving me to be like a cast-away lost sailor

It had a way of controlling me like the moon controls the sea’s tides

 

Grief made my sea inside of me grow bigger, leaving me desperately searching for shore

It cast me into raging currents that pulled me farther from stable ground

It forced me to tirelessly tread open water that wanted to drown me with its overwhelming pain

The shoreline faded away like a ship on the horizon

 

Waves of confusion and anger rose up like mighty gods that tried to engulf me and drag me to the bottom

I frantically attempted to keep my head above the rising water line

But grief weighed me down like an anchor on a ship

Why was my sea doing this to me?

 

I felt powerless and hopeless

I was like a sunken treasure chest never again to let the light shine forth from its glowing gems

 

But over time, I began to learn to bear the wicked waves and to confront the mighty gods

And slowly I began to learn something about grief that made me no longer feel like a hopeless overboard sailor caught in the eye of a harrowing sea storm

I began to learn, although grief has its pain, confusion and anger, it also has love 

Grief in its own twisted way is a form of love

My sea is mostly love

A love for Sarah, her love for me

My sea harbors more love than all the waters of the world combined

I grieve because I love Sarah.

 

So, if I could be any other animal, I’d want to be a fish

I know a fish isn’t the most desired animal to be

But you see,

I want to be a fish so I can swim in the dark depths and raging currents of my grief-ridden sea    

I want to be a fish so I can navigate my pain, confusion and anger that want to swallow me like a whale

I want to be a fish so I can breathe when all I’m surrounded by is water that wants to suffocate me 

I want to be a fish so I can still find livelihood in the middle of my merciless sea

I want to be a fish because as much as fish must live in water, grief must live in me